Posted by: miilee | February 17, 2010

Oh! But To Sing Again…


If there is one loss that I regret from the bottom of my heart, it is the loss of my ability to sing. When I look back at life, I don’t remember a time when I didn’t sing. It is just of late, in the last two years that I’ve virtually lost my singing voice.

I remember, as a child I was quite the loner. I didn’t shy from people and company; it is just that I loved being with the trees and the wind and the birds. With characters like Disney’s Cinderella as my ideals, I grew up singing to myself all the time. Mom says I used to sing seemingly difficult songs very easily and that for my age, I was really good.I don’t remember any of that. True, my friends and even dad’s friends would ask me to sing for them frequently but those are not the times I remember too clearly.

I remember music more like a buddy; a reliable friend I could loop my arm and go for a walk with. There was no time or event when I had a certain emotion in me and I couldn’t find a song to match it.

Actually, that was my way of expression; singing. When really happy, I’d hurl myself over open spaces singing Julie Andrews’ “Sound of Music”, allowing the lilting notes to carry my joyous soul high up onto the clouds. I would laugh loudly, freely and actually devour the thrill of being happy the music to give me company.

Then when I felt sad, it was the same again. I’d climb high up onto ย a tree, rest my head in the crook of a branch and sob out a song. I’d invariably find a song to go with my mood. It helped. The happiness felt satisfyingly expressed and the sadness successfully released. It was my way of balancing when Life got too much for me to handle.

I don’t know what happened then. Entered college, got way too careless about my throat and eventually lost my singing voice. I guess I was way too casual to realize the importance of my voice and took it for granted. Very literally, I threw away the one thing that kept me sane.

Now I write. It is only second best but I have to make do with that because now, I can’t carry a tune to save my life. The songs are in my head. They rattle within my brain without any way for me to sing them. I remember I used to sing along with the Mohd. Rafi and Madan Mohan tracks and even corrected others when they sang half a note out of tune. Now, even when all the right notes are there in my head, I can’t sing them.

Even seen the face of a football player who’s just been told that he’s lost a limb? or a Guitarist who has just lost his fingers?

I can understand what they’re mourning for… It’s a part of being ‘me’ that I have had to let go of… And I regret it… Dearly….

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Responses

  1. There is never an imperfect timing to start all over again… fancy your desire and I am sure, you will be on top of it again. All it needs is a bit of practice! First time here.. nice blog you have ๐Ÿ™‚

    • I’m so embarrassed of my voice now, I don’t even sing when alone… I guess I need to put in some self image work too…. but I’ll try… ๐Ÿ™‚
      thanks!

  2. you have to start again.. you say it was your identity, so does that leave you an option?
    it doesnt matter how well you can manage.. but atleast you will be doing something that you love.. something that gives you pleasure..

    the moment you start you will find ways to improve..

    • you really think so? Every time i try it and hear my hoarse voice, it scares me….

      • yes yes i am sure.. dont think about how it sounds.. think about how u feel when u sing.. ur going to to do great! i am sure.

      • *hugs* Thanks… I’ll keep at it..

  3. It seems you wrote this in a hurry. You portrayed the whole idea very well. May be the thrust of your emotions have taken away a bit of your charisma in ink.

    • well maybe… sort of a personal post this one was..


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