Posted by: miilee | June 16, 2012

A Note for Every Mood


(Note: I seem to be horrible at sticking to resolutions! I’d resolved to post at least one post every day for this year and seeing as my last post has been in Jan, it doesn’t say much about my commitment! To my defense, it was an impractical resolution, to begin with and then what with my phone getting lost and laptop breaking down, it did become a tad more difficult to do this than I thought. But now is as good a time as any to post so… here goes!)

Its been a while since I’ve felt down or low. Yes, I’ve been tired, worn out, exhausted etc but not depressed or sorrowful or melancholy. But that seems to be the word for now; Melancholy.

And before any of you wonder, no, I haven’t had a nasty break up. There has been no recent, painful death in my family or friends and I haven’t been thrown out of a job. I’m just… low..

And if I tell you why, a lot of you will laugh at me. Some of you may relate and some may decide to shut this tab and read something else. I’m low because of a song.

The other day, we were working on putting music to a pilot episode that we’ve shot for a new show. For that, I needed the song, ‘Saare Sapne Kahi Kho Gaye’ by Alka Yagnik.  I’d almost forgotten this track and heard it today after a long time… Its a beautiful song. There is a bitter sweet pain and hopelessness in it that touches a chord.

And its this song that has put me in a bit of a low spot. I dont know if it has happened to any of you but often, songs have a tendency of affecting my mood. I’m pretty certain there will be loads of studies on the effects of music on people’s emotional state.

It isnt like I have anything immediate to be upset about. Yet, as the notes of this track reverberated around me today, I felt a sense of desolation engulf me. I felt tears stinging the back of my throat as I held them back. There is no painful memory attached to this song for me. Yet as Yagnik’s voice went on, I felt causelessly sad.

Suddenly, I felt lonely. I felt worries that I hadn’t thought of in a long long time. I felt a sense of hopeless loss. I felt like the most defeated person on earth.

Everything that seems of no consequence in the light of the day seemed to crowd my horizon; being single, having almost no family or social life, being financially cornered, the drudgery of my routinely hectic but almost predictably life. All these things felt too overwhelming. All those things that I wanted to do but couldn’t, everything that I had wanted to become but hadn’t achieved yet. Everything came to the forefront.

I felt like collapsing right there, curling into a ball and weeping till eternity.

Now, I pride myself on having a hold on my emotions. I’m not one to give in to tears at the drop of a hat; at least not now and definitely not over a song! Yet it surprised me to know that if it wasn’t for the fact that I was working and had my colleagues around me, I would have broken down right there!

It just brought to me how fragile I was inside. All it took for me to feel this low was a song. No matter how brave a face I put up, there are those things in me that will break at the slightest instigation.

If a song could do this to me, I wonder how far a person could hurt… Its a scary thought and one that I wish to not want to address for as long as possible. I don’t take kindly to being hurt or let down and I really don’t want to go testing the waters in this particular pool.. .

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